5 Key Things That Helped Me Make the Decision to Use Donor Eggs

Written by Victoria Nino, from Expecting Anything in partnership with Donor Egg Bank USA to help educate and provide support for those considering donor eggs during National Infertility Awareness Week and each and every day of the year.  

If you are approaching the decision of using donor eggs to conceive, I’m guessing, up until now, you had a very vivid picture in your head of what your family would look like. And now it probably feels like that dream has died. 

You are likely feeling sad, angry, alone, confused, scared - as I was when I first approached this path. 

Of course you are, though - not having control over one of the most important things in your life is really, really freakin’ scary. It’s not only a feeling of losing something, it’s feeling completely debilitated about not knowing what the future holds. 

Choosing to use donor eggs to start or grow your family is a very personal decision, and it takes time. Very much like the grief most of us are familiar with, genetic grief is a process that no two people go through alike. If/when you make the decision to proceed, it will be on your time and through your own process. So, please be gentle with yourself. For me, it was important to address my fears one by one, head on, and with A LOT of thought.

1. Break Down Your Fears About Donor Eggs: One by One. 

One of my biggest fears about using donor eggs was that I wouldn’t bond with my child, or even further than that, that my family wouldn’t bond with her either. I’m really close to my family, and for some reason I had it in my head that if my child didn’t look like me or them, she wouldn’t be accepted into my family.  

So, here is how I broke this fear down… 

I first asked myself why DNA mattered so much to me? 

Did I really need her to look like me to love her?  

I thought about my husband -  someone I feel extremely bonded to, who doesn’t share any of my DNA, yet I feel like he is an actual part of me.  I thought about the fact that he calls my mom “mom”, my dad “poppy”, my sister “sissy” and how my grandmother refers to him as her grandson. He looks absolutely nothing like anyone in my family, yet my family accepts him as family. Because he is family. I had lots of other examples like this, like my best friend, my mom’s friends, and even my dogs. No DNA shared, yet still family and a lot of unconditional love. 

So, it can’t be that.

Then I asked myself  - was I being vain?  Did I think my genetics were superior in some way? I did like my blue eyes, but when I thought more about the things I really loved about myself, they weren’t physical traits. I love that I am creative, sarcastic, outspoken and empathetic. If someone were speaking about me at my funeral, I don’t think they'd say “We will miss Victoria greatly because of her long legs and blue eyes” or at least I hope they wouldn’t. Awkward! I hope that they would speak about how I made them laugh, or made them feel seen. Or that I always made a huge mess in the kitchen and danced with a stanky leg. If those are the things that truly made me me and were important to me, I could share those with my child. Those parts of me could live on. That stanky leg will never die! I went even further to dissect my genes themselves.I have a lot of autoimmune in my family, as well as allergies, asthma, psoriasis, endometriosis, infertility, anxiety, you name it. My husband refers to me as “bubble girl” because I’m sick all the time. Why in the hell was I so obsessed with passing these things on to someone?  I was only focused on the good stuff, like my blue eyes and my long legs. But that’s not how genes work. You don’t get to pick what gets passed on. 

2. Replace Each Fear with a Peaceful Fact About Using Donor Eggs

There is so much more to pass on to our children than genetics, and you might be surprised by the list of things you can come up with that you can actually pass on to your children. Things that really matter. 

For example, I got to pass on some strong female names from my family to my daughter. Her first name comes from her badass Great Grandmother who was still mowing her lawn in her mid 80’s. Her middle name comes from her fiery great aunt, who drove a Cadillac in her fur coat, and had the best dirty jokes.

No, my daughter  didn’t get my mother’s genes, but she is learning to cook her homemade slippery dumplings, an old family recipe so good that it feels like it is in my DNA. She didn’t get my dad’s genes, but you wouldn’t know it by the way they go head to head in a burping contest.  She is very much a part of them too - the parts I love the most.

As parents we influence and cultivate who our children become. I may not have influence on what my daughter looks like physically, but I sure as hell play a major part in who she is as a person. And, that’s what matters most to me. 

We don’t have children to make “mini-me’s” of ourselves, that’s not the point of reproducing, or a reason to grow a family. We have children to be uniquely themselves. To be individuals. My daughter has her own thoughts, her own soul, her own personality.

I am her teacher but she learns and grows in her own unique way.  Once I was able to focus on the facts that gave me peace vs. the unknown, scary fears I had no control over, I was able to start moving through my grief with ease, and more comfortable with the decision.   And my daughter proved every fear to be wrong the second I laid eyes on her, and then when my son came along, I wasn’t scared at all. Our bond is like nothing I could have ever imagined. 

I am her teacher but she learns and grows in her own unique way.  Once I was able to focus on the facts that gave me peace vs. the unknown, scary fears I had no control over, I was able to start moving through my grief with ease, and more comfortable with the decision.   And my daughter proved every fear to be wrong the second I laid eyes on her, and then when my son came along, I wasn’t scared at all. Our bond is like nothing I could have ever imagined. 

I would have sacrificed my genes a million times to give them life. I would have given away literally anything for my daughter to be exactly her, and my son to be exactly him.

3. Think Like a Mother Before You Are One.

I think if I had started thinking like a mother from the very beginning, I would have gotten through this process quicker. Mothers make sacrifices for their children, it’s what we do. If one of my children were sick and I had to give away my blue eyes to save his/her life, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would literally go blind for my children to be healthy. Actually no, I would give my life for my children to be healthy.  

Once I made this shift in perspective, it all became bearable. I kept focusing on the babies that were out there waiting on me to make the leap. To make a decision that would open up an opportunity to bring them here that required BIG, BRAVE LOVE.

At that point, it wasn’t about me anymore - it was about them. It was about making the decisions to get them here, in my arms and to be the brave mother they needed me to be.  

4. Find A Spiritual Connection To Your Soul Babies

The other thing that really helped me make the decision to use donor eggs was finding a spiritual connection to the souls that were out there waiting for me. The more I learned about how babies choose their parents, the more I knew that me and these babies were destined to be together. This was our love story and only ours. Our souls fought hard to be together, and as a result our bond is like no other. We chose each other with great purpose, that is so apparent to me now. 

I highly recommend the book Spirit Babies, if you are open to this possibility of course, no pressure at all. Connecting to our soul babies before they are conceived can be a very powerful tool, if you can open your heart to the idea. 

5. Find Voices Of Those Who Have Been There

They say “If you can see it, you can be it”. Finding support and voices of those that have been where you are going is a crucial part of this process. Not everyone understands the grief that comes with this path to parenthood, but there are plenty of people that do. Find those people! 

There are a lot more voices out there now then when I was first exploring donor eggs, and a huge community of people who want to help you. I have made it my mission to help educate and advocate for this community and would love to help you use your voice, in whatever capacity feels right for you. Just reach out to me on Instagram and I can help connect you with the right people. 

Resolve.org has a lot of great resources to support you and to help you #FindYourVoice. 

In Closing

As hard as it was to go through the process of grieving my genetics, I’m so grateful I had to go through those steps, because it prepared me to support my children the best possible way. It allowed me to dig deep and face my fears before they were born so that they didn’t have to carry the weight. 

Making the decision to use donor eggs isn’t easy, but at some point I think it does become easy. Once you do the hard work first, which if you are here, you are doing just that, it becomes one of the easiest decisions you will ever make. 

There will be a shift. It will happen. I can’t tell you when it will happen for you, but you will know when it happens, and when it does, it will change you. You will learn things about yourself you could never have learned any other way. You will likely start to see the world differently now.

I think only you can decide how this pain will change you - you can either come out bitter or you can come out better. Which will it be? 

If you are thinking about taking the leap, Donor Egg Bank USA is a great place to start.  They have an awesome platform for connecting you with a donor, and a team ready to welcome you with open arms.