Real Stories: A Path to Parenthood Through Donor Eggs

If you’re considering the use of donor eggs to grow your family, you’ve probably been in my shoes. Maybe you feel like the dreams of what you thought becoming a parent would look like are slipping through your fingers. Maybe you’re dealing with the anxiety of fertility treatments.

The heartbreak of negative pregnancy tests. The looming fear of possibly never holding a child. It can feel devastating, overwhelming, and just plain hard and unfair.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with years of emotional turmoil, but it ultimately led us to our daughter through IVF with donor eggs. And while this path was initially very unexpected, it has allowed our lives to be filled with immense joy.

I’m honored to share a bit of my journey and provide some insights and encouragement to those navigating similar paths. My name is Rachel, and I’m a mom to two wonderful kids - my daughter, who was born via IVF with an egg donor, and my son, who came into our lives as a surprise unassisted conception.

Our Story

Our journey to parenthood began about ten years ago. Like many, we faced numerous challenges along the way. We tried “the old fashion” way, medicated cycles, numerous IUI’s, and even attempted rounds of IVF with my own eggs. After zero successful pregnancies, we were advised by two different clinics to consider using donor eggs. This was an intense moment for us - a blend of hope, fear, and quite a bit of confusion and grief.

The decision to use donor eggs was not easy. It came with questions, time away from treatment and cycles to think about our values and goals, and lots of conversations with family and friends. There were moments of guilt and doubt. Ultimately, the desire to become parents and share our love with a child outweighed many of our fears. We chose to move ahead with the process, ready to begin our search for a donor and continue with trying to grow our family.

What Was Important to Us

We promised ourselves from the very start that being open and honest would always be our highest priority. There would be no secrets. We would be truthful about our future child’s conception story, and support her emotions around it, no matter what they were. At the time, we didn’t know anyone else who was donor conceived or had used a donor to grow their family. We did what we could to find resources, read books, and learn so that we could be prepared for the future. Now we know quite a few families who are part of the donor conception world, and our learning still continues everyday.

In choosing a donor, we focused less on matching exact physical characteristics, and more on health history, interests, and values. When we were going through the process, anonymous (or de-identified) donors were pretty much the only option, so we relied on the information presented in each donor’s profile. We focused on donors who had good health history and no overlapping genetic issues with my husband, and who felt like a good fit for our family in terms of who they were as a person. This made the selection process a bit longer, but it was well worth the effort.

If you’re in the process of choosing a donor, take some time to discuss and write out what your personal values and priorities are. What do you want to be able to tell your future child about the donor you selected and why you chose them? Here are some of my recommendations:

Tips on Selecting a Donor

1.     Prioritize Health: Look into the donor’s medical history. This includes understanding the donor’s and their family’s genetic history, any potential hereditary conditions, and overall health.

2.     Shared Interests and Values: Choose a donor who resonates with your interests and family values. This connection can feel more meaningful. We felt a connection to our donor because of what seemed to be shared hobbies and life views, which made the process feel more personal.

3.     Trust Your Instincts: Sometimes, it’s about that gut feeling. If something feels right (or wrong), trust your intuition.

4.     Seek Professional Guidance: Don’t hesitate to ask for advice and support, whether that’s from Donor Egg Bank USA, mental health professionals, family and friends, or donor conception support groups. External viewpoints can provide valuable and more holistic insights.

Once we chose our donor, we made the decision to be confident in who we chose and not second guess or go back and look for other potential donors. It took a few months to proceed with the transfer, and we were lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy on our first attempt

As our pregnancy progressed and we started getting ready to welcome this new human into our lives, we practiced telling our story both to her and to people around us. It’s never too early to start building comfort and confidence in sharing how your child came to be. Raising a donor conceived child doesn’t end with a successful transfer. There is hopefully a very full life ahead for that baby, and eventual adult. The more you work through your own emotions about the journey, the stronger you’ll be to support your child in discovering who they are too.

There will be many continued opportunities for learning and growth along the path of parenthood - from the very beginning of choosing to use a donor, all the way through raising a child into adulthood. Here are my top tips as you adventure into becoming a parent via donor conception:

Advice to Intended & Recipient Parents

1.     Educate Yourself: Research, read stories, connect with other families, and listen to voices of donor conceived people. Build a thorough and well-rounded understanding of the process, even if there are viewpoints you disagree with. Knowledge is power, and having a deeper understanding can alleviate some of the fears and uncertainties.

2.     Be Open with Your Child: Transparency fosters trust and understanding. Share your child’s story with love. Let them know how proud you are to be their parent. And support any questions and emotions they have throughout their life.

3.     Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and professionals. Their encouragement can make a world of difference.

4.     Celebrate Your Journey: Every step, no matter how challenging, is part of your unique story. Celebrate the highs and learn from the lows. Each milestone, from selecting a donor to the birth of our child, is a moment to cherish.

The Joy of Parenthood

Parenthood, regardless of how we get there, can be a beautiful, adventurous, and rewarding journey. Embracing our story and being transparent about it has only strengthened our family bond. We’ve found joy in both small and big moments, and pride in the resilience it took to make our dreams a reality. Watching our kids grow and thrive is a daily reminder of the incredible path we’ve been on.

Our experience has taught us that there’s no “one size fits all” in creating a family. Each story is unique, and it may look very different from what you initially envisioned. Take your time, give yourself lots of space to feel all the feelings, and create and rely on your support network. Even through the challenges, do your best to keep an open mind and open heart, and one day, you will reach a decision on how to proceed that feels right for you.

I hope my story provides some comfort and guidance to those on a similar path. Remember, you’re not alone. There’s a community out there ready to support you. Parenthood, with all its ups and downs, is a beautiful adventure worth every step.