Miscarriage is a part of life, and 10 to 20% of pregnancies will result in a loss. Even though donor eggs can reduce the likelihood of a miscarry, they still do happen. While one may have a miscarriage with their own eggs or a donor’s, it is never an easy experience.
And neither is the horrible feeling you get when a friend or family member pays little or no attention to your loss.
Maybe they brush aside, minimize, or ignore your pain. They refuse to see your miscarriage as a real loss. It’s as if an unborn baby doesn’t “count.”
Why do people react this way? Sometimes it’s a person’s inability to see life as real until a child is born. Maybe it’s a bias in their upbringing. Or it’s a genuine misunderstanding.
No matter the reason, it stings. Lack of acknowledgement hurts. A lot.
But it’s important to remember that no matter how another person reacts, you can still be okay. Their reaction does not define your reality.
Make mourning your first priority
As hard as it may be when a family member or close friend reacts poorly to your news, it’s important to pay closer attention to the things you can control: namely, your own mourning.
Grieving your loss is a necessary part of your healing process. And it’s okay to be upset at your friend or family member’s reaction, too. But the goal is to help you move on, no matter what others think.
Also, know that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting your unborn child. It means getting to a healthy place where you can keep an outside perspective on other people’s reactions.
Unplug. (No, really unplug.)
Sometimes the weight of the world can add to our own anxieties or emotions. And in this era of social media, seeing other parents or families with other children might not feel so great in the short-term. Try avoiding them, just for a little while, and granting yourself a break.
The goal with giving yourself space is to let yourself feel the emotions that arise. All of them — good or bad.
And if you’re someone who is hard on themselves, who believes you shouldn’t be “sad” or “wallow” in your emotions, understand that denying yourself the right to feel pain can be worse for your mourning. Hedging your emotions only makes things worse.
Instead, try writing or talking to an understanding person. Use something to move your emotions through.
Always remember that this experience, bad as it may be, does not take away your wholeness as a person or a woman — even if it feels that way. You have the power to reclaim your wholeness as a person and as a member of your family while moving on from your loss.
If you’re struggling with infertility issues, there are resources that can help you and your partner. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, hosts a number of support groups around the country to help “all people challenged in their family building journey.” Check out their site for more information.
For more information on frozen donor eggs, feel free to reach out to the knowledgeable team at Donor Egg Bank USA. You may also read more about our financial plans here.